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The Technology Conspiracy

April 29, 2012

I just noticed this, and I feel like I’ve uncovered some deep, dark secret of the universe.

It scares me, and  makes me think Terminator isn’t too far off in it’s predictions.

Technology has a brain, and the only thing it’s brain is saying is ‘Kill’. I’m not one to be saying things like this usually, I’m an avid technophile.  As Eddie Izzard would say, I have technojoy. Definitely all for the progress of technology etc., with the caveat that I’d like to opt out if they”re trying to murder me.

Maybe I’ve overstated things a bit. But it’s definitely true that they’re conspiring. Let me illustrate my point.

They're all so smug, aren't they?

They're multiplying!

I’ve got two phones with me, one slightly buggered Nokia, and a slightly non-buggered I-wanna-be-an-iphone Nokia. I usually carry the wannabe around with me.

One day, while walking up some stairs, I could almost hear it saying “Goodbye, cruel world!” as it leapt from my hand down a couple of stairs, where it proceeded to fling it’s innards all over the place. The sim card, the phone’s back cover and the battery were all approximately about sixty feet from each other. Once I had procured the individual pieces and had managed to put the whole thing back together again and resurrect the beast, I was happy. Phone was working okay, and major mishap averted.

Yes? No.

The phone was bitter because I had popped in and not let it die in peace. It was bitter, and it sought revenge. So it started plotting. It plotted with my computer (initially) to make my life as uncomfortable as is (technologically) possible. A week or two after this incident, I’m chugging along merrily when I notice that my phone was off, which was clearly not my fault. So I switched it back on, and it iinformed me that my sim card had been rejected.


But, I proceeded to argue with my phone, it was the same sim card in it a week ago, and two weeks ago, and three weeks ago etc. What can you possibly find fault with now? I was quite pleased with my argument, and figured I’d won when on a restart my phone was working okay again. But ten minutes later, it informed me that it had rejected my sim card again. Further arguments proving futile, I decided to Google it.

When I went to my computer to turn it on, I noticed that the battery light was blinking orange and white. This has happened once or twice before when the computer accidentally overheated, and I gave it not much thought. The Google search yielded quickly, and I found that my sim card was damaged, and that was the cause for my phone’s erratic behaviour. This is easily fixed… just get a new sim. Although getting a new sim is a long, laborious process mired in red tape, and all the credit has to go to those moron terrorists who thought this was a good loophole to exploit. But I dither.

Having not initially noticed my computer’s battery throwing a fuss, I definitely did notice when it started blinking every time I charged it. Now I was getting concerned, and the first doubts of suspicion were sown in my head. Upon Googling this as well, I found out I was either not using my battery enough, or it was dying. After a couple more days of rigorous (hah! – Ed.) testing, I have mostly eliminated the former possibility. Thus, as the seeds of doubt were sown, the seeds of suspicion had sprouted into nice, healthy plants.

This is what I imagine sits in my phone

This is what I imagine sits in my phone.

Clearly my phone had conspired with my computer to bork at the same time, so both my lifelines to people outside this city would be left hanging.

Cunning plan, I agree. But insofar reasonably sensible (Like anything so far made sense. – Ed.) as things go. Here is where it gets really scary though. I was working on a computer in college, a computer that had basically been on for several months with nothing significant happening to it whatsoever (Linux ftw!), but the moment I unloaded my computer (to check email etc. while the other computer was computing) and my phone (for no real reason) in front of it, and left it unmanned for about five minutes, it had hung. Massively, completely un-recoverably hung. And I blame my cellphone’s evil intentions. It saw an eventuality that it had not planned for, and it improvised. And it improvised really well.

Clearly technology is bent on destroying us.

Run while you still can.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. April 30, 2012 11:01 am

    I agree. It’s the matrix! Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun.

    But if that’s the monster, things don’t look so scary. It’s a cutie! :)

    I likes this post.

    Also, it’s ‘sought revenge’, not ‘seeked’

    • Kitchi permalink*
      April 30, 2012 11:09 am

      Duly noted, and fixed.

      I’d like to think of it as should-be-scary, but mostly incompetent. That gives me some solace.

  2. April 30, 2012 11:20 am

    Also, Eddie Izzard is awesome.

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